Pengorbanan or Terkorban?

Assalam....

I feel down tonight. I just do... & I hate it when that happened. I feel suffocated...I just want to run away. I really do.

I want to look for a way out. But then again, it'll be too cruel. I don't want to be cruel. I hate it. so much to the extent that if I was on a fast moving car, I'd jump regardless of the pain I'll suffer after that. Kinda scary..but I know it's stupid.

I'm looking for an escapism. I know I must sound like a lunatic blabbering bout things, unsound things..

Appreciate! ♥

Assalamualaikum...

Another day passed by eh...Been wanting to post something over the weekend but haven't been free till now. ^_^  I saw a touching scene when I was out grocery shopping at the market.
There I was, sweating due to the late afternoon sun, choosing for a watermelon for sungke at Pasar Minggu, Satok with my Mr. I was telling him how big the watermelon is & I cant finish it on my own. So he pointed out to another seller buying lots of the the same fruit but smaller & cheaper. I just shrug & say no...Off then we went to look for other things. That is when suddenly I saw him.....
He...who manage to make me feel ashamed of my ungratefulness
He...who still smiles despite of the heat
He...who don't seems to be significant to me but have moved my heart

There he is...just a few steps from me. Wearing a simple shirt, his left hand holding his worn blue helmet. He look plain enough that no one pays any attention to him. I don't know why I'm attracted to this particular man. So I keep on observing him choosing fruits from one of the stalls. It is one of the stalls that sells bundles of cheap, too ripe fruits that nobody wants to buy. Clutching Mr's fingers, I move next to him. I was so intent until I saw what he held in his hand & I feel like crying.
Fruits...Yes. FRUITS.
Fruits with holes here & there. Fruits that are no longer green or yellow but more to black and brown.
He was so busy looking for a better fruit but I know there's none.
Sad but there's a smile on his face. In my mind I can only imagine that he's thinking wonderful thoughts of his children eating some fruits tonight - the only reason I can find behind his smile.
A father's happiest moments are when they think they can satisfy their children's need & just seeing them smile is more than enough for him. He's a great father I'm sure of it.

I came home that day, & hug daddy tightly saying I love him so so so much (I was & never am a mummy's daughter *sigh*)

P/S : Mr, I hope you can be an awesome papa too~~InsyaAllah. One day ^_^ ♥♥♥

As-salam~~~

Ohhh!! Am toooooooo tired today. Got too many work to do. Most are not my job as an educator. I'm too tired so I cry. Ok. The End. -.-"

Edisi 2012 ^_^

Assalamualaikum....

Nah...Hampir setahun berlalu tanpa khabar berita dalam blog ini. Mslh biasa sbnrnya--> Terlupa password. Terlalu tua rasanya bila hal2 sebegini boleh lupa. Apapun I'm back :)
Di mana hendak mulakan kali ini? Too many tales to spin...no idea where to start.

It's been too fast..now it's August! Can't wait for 2013...not that I know what's in store but I'm just excited. It's fasting month now. So less & less activities. But I'm currently addicted to--> Guppies & Baking. Anyway...that's not the main point. (erkk rasa kdk dlm bilit kuliah dgn students jak -.-" )

JULY & AUGUST
A month full of memories...Good & bitter memories. Most are bitter sweet. ^_^
It's my third July as a Muslim. 3/7/2012 to be exact. So much has changed yet so many stayed the same. Kinda confusing ya? I'm confused too...but I think I like to confuse myself too much lately. Ohh sorry to digress..hehehe (I have the tendency to do that every time)... Changes- positive & negative- are seen in all aspects of my life. But still Alhamdulillah, I learn to be a better me. & I AM still me.
Ter-KLMJ happenings & memories of these 2 months...Some makes me smile, some makes me sad, not to forget things that I have found & lost. It makes my circle (rujuk post lama on Life Circle) beautifully distorted. I like that word- distorted. Defines perfect yet imperfect. Yahh bgus sik ayat ngenjen I tok? :p
I feel somehow it's different. There's a different aura around me (syok sendiri kali..entah laaa. skati ku! hehe) Nahh am tired after sungke. Gotta layan wassap now. Someone's online & demand attention :p

So, enough for now....mun asa ajin lak amek update agik aok. (hikhik)...

You'll never realise what you have till you lose it.
There's a certain truth to that statement. It may sound cliche' but it happened before,thus making me a favourite fan for this simple words.
I can't explain what I feel about it. Just that, after all that happened, I'm afraid of losing...May be it's just me being too afraid to be alone. I dont want to be alone when I'm old. That's my biggest fear. *Dah rasa macam sesi confession* -.-"  At times, I think that if I never have anything to start with,then I'll not lose anything which makes me happy. But the again, how can I have something if I dont own anything? Life is full or mystery...*or is it just me that's a freak?*
My dad told me to quit apologising for everything hahaha..Do I apologise too much?I dont realise I did that hoho..Daddy said I like to carry the world's burden on my shoulder. For those who doesnt understand, it means that I always feel that I'm at fault n always do something wrong to someone. *I kinda go "eehh??" during this part* No, I dont feel that I carry the world's burden,just that I always think sometimes,if not most, I tend to be very selfish-making desicions or calls without considering others. and THAT makes me feel guilty. A friend ever told me "Sorry is just a word,it meant nothing nor will it change what's been done". Is it true? I mean I know it cant undone things, but the guilty can rip me apart if I dont apologise. Try sleeping with unsatisfied or angry heart, then you'll know what I mean...
I'm out of my little blue pills...& I can sleep better nowadays. Which means, I dont have to see doc anymore. Yay!!! Alhamdulillah. I hope it lasts. :D

Assalamualaikum...
Post kali ini adalah kesinambungan daripada persoalan yang timbul ketika dalam perjalanan balik dari ofis tadi. Al-kisah nya kdk tok..
I : Mok nangga cita Happy Feet 2 laa.
Her:  Lama tak tengok wayang,last skali Real Steel (yang mana I rasa sik lamak ne pun -,-" )
I : I dah sik rasa excited maok nangga wayang or etc etc...benda huha huha yang di polah dolok nampak sik mampu menarik perhatian I gik.Adakah sebab I tok dah makin matang & berumur?
N..jwpn nya mudah--> Entah lah....
Terbaik la babe!

Ok2...Moral of the story. Allah sayangkan I. Macam lari dari topik jak nak? Tok I citakan... ^__^
Persoalan tok dipanjangkan ke rumah. Tanya ngan hmate sorang gik, then I dapat jawapan yang memuaskan. Alhamdulillah.
"Perasaan tu wujud sebab Allah sayangkan kita. Perubahan tu, berlaku terlalu sedikit & remeh rasanya kan? Tetapi terkesan tak dalam hati? Merubah tak persepsi?'"
Owh...Tersentak seketika. Tidak pernah difikirkan dari sudut yang satu itu. I bukanlah jenis yang mudah untuk membicarakan apa yang ada dalam hati, sebab terlalu byk yang telah berlaku & kepercayaan I terhadap orang sekeliling amat kurang. Near zero...jadi ruang untuk perbincagan itu amat terhad. *Timbul kesedaran,sikap itu membuatkan I sik rami kawan*
"Hikmah Allah itu berlaku secara halus & perlahan. Perasaan itu membuatkan kamu kurang untuk bersuka ria. Fokus lebih kepada hidup & kerja kan? Secara tak langsung,kamu sedikit demi sedikit mula meninggalkan segala yang tidak baik yang pernah kamu lakukan dahulu."
Ya Allah, terasa kerdil diri ini sebab tidak pernah menghargai perubahan itu, sebaliknya selalu mempersoalkan kenapa perubahan tu berlaku.
"Renungkan kembali...Jauh dah kamu berjalan. Renungkan. Bukan dari segi rohani kali ini. Kita tidak mampu untuk menjadi sempurna dari segi itu, sebab kesempurnaan milik Allah. Lihat dari segi perubahan lain. Kamu dah achieve banyak dalam hidup. Bersyukur untuk itu. Kamu telah berubah menjadi insan yang jauh lebih baik. Bersyukur untuk itu. Kamu menjadi insan yang lebih sabar, lebih tabah, lebih mudah simpati dan lebih mudah menghargai ciptaan dan segala pemberian Allah. Bersyukur untuk itu. Kamu telah diberi hidayah dengan cara yang berlainan dari insan lain. Ucap Alhamdulillah untuk itu.."
Tamparan yang tepat ke batang hidung...
"Allah sayangkan kamu. Ingat itu, tanam dalam diri. Allah akan lebih sayang kamu dengan memberi banyak dugaan dan cabaran yang mana kamu akan sering rasa tewas, lemah dan tidak mampu. Ingat sekali lagi, Allah sayang kamu. Ucapkan syukur dan berdoalah. InsyaAllah, segalanya akan dipermudahkan"
Amin... Terima kasih Cik SFN untuk kata kata yang bermakna.
^__^

Tentang Bulan...

'It's the moon. Beautiful..'  Often, as I sat down at the verandah or car porch, drinking my Milo, I will gazed up to the sky. Maybe, yang melihat dan mendongak melihat dan menikmati keindahan malam yang disinari cahaya bulan, bukan hanya diriku seorang. Juga yang memuji keindahan alam ciptaan-Nya juga ramai. InsyaAllah.. :)

Tetapi, bila difikirkan semula. Cantik kah bulan itu? Atau adakah disebabkan cahaya yg terpancar telah mem'bias'kan diri dan mata hingga mengatakan bulan itu cantik? Ohh..kata-kata ini bukan lah bermaksud diriku mempersoalkan ciptaan Illahi. Tidak! Cuma sebagai sebuah metafora.
Hakikatnya, bulan itu tidak cantik. (Stuju atau tidak, terpulang kepada anda.)
Secara lahiriahnya, bulan tidak sesempurna yang kita lihat dari bumi. Ya, ia bersinar.Ya, ia memukau. Tapi, realitinya permukaannya berlubang lubang. Realitinya, di bulan tiada hidupan. Realitinya, bulan TIDAK bersinar. Irony right the facts from what we perceived as facts. Harap semua tahu fakta sains di atas hehehe..  :p
Setakat ini, faham tak apa yang sebenarnya ingin di sampaikan tentang bulan?
*Baiklah, abaikan sebab I pun sik pande nak put into simple words*

*Tiba tiba teringat peristiwa tadi semasa menjaga final exam* 

Bersamaku, adalah pendidik yang ku kira veteren juga. Katanya, 'Lihat students dalam bilik ini. Semuanya tekun menjawab exam. Ada yang nampak gusar, ada yang nampak lega, tidak kurang juga yang seperti lost in space. Kita sebagai pendidik, adakah kita nampak siapa pelajar kita di sebalik setiap reaksi, tindak balas, kata-kata dan mimik muka mereka? Renungkan & fikirlah. Your journey here in this institution has just started. Ubahlah apa yang mampu, jika tidak mampu, jadilah perubahan yang memangkinkan perubahan itu'
And I was like--InsyaAllah (tp dlm hati buat buka blur,rahang jatuh,mata ke atas, tangan ke bahu). Bila difikirkan semula, kata-kata itu sangat bermakna.
Mampukah hendak menjadi pemangkin bila perubahan yang berlaku (termasuk perubahan yang menyusahkan & yang tidak masuk akal, apatah lagi yang jauh dari fikiran logik,sistematik dan produktif), juga gagal dikejar? Oooh manusia, suka mengkomplikasikan (adakah perkataan tok?) sesuatu yang simple dan mudah. Bak kata I ngan veteren ya tek..InsyaAllah...DUIT! Doa, Usaha, Ikhtiar dan Tawakal. ^__^

*Simpton byk gilak fikir hingga entry kali tok yang paling merapu pernah dihasilkan dalam hidup-Kecelaruan minda*
K bai..